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I'd follow by ~starladear6:iconstarladear6:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed




And he's a tree
who wants to come inside
like a million cats, he smiles
with twice as many green and golden eyes
a flower-power growing on the outside
of my windowsill
tapping at the screen to let him in
And he's a shady golden tree
A tree who wants to live with me.
A tree who loves me more than me
A tree who wants to be let in

how come the apple in my hand is sour?
what if it was just out of reach?
But since he's standing at my door
Risking all his roots and leaves
I can't just say
that if he would just run away
I'd follow.


July 21 2004
9:17pm
©2004-2009 ~starladear6
:iconstarladear6:

Author's Comments

Written tonight (9/21/04)

First deviation submission in a very long time.

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:iconsumajarong:
*sumajarong Jul 22, 2004, 6:04:01 PM
I really like it..it's playful, yet deep...vivid imagery. Good stuff.

--
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." The Dalai Lama
:iconnimm:
*nimm Jul 22, 2004, 7:33:56 PM
although the subject seems to be rather serious ... i love the light feel of this ... .... or 'playful' like ~ sumajarong here said ...

hmm but there is something about the very end of this .. last 3 lines seem odd to me ... maybe they don't fit right ... maybe they feel rushed to me .. maybe they are just wrong (right, i am gonna tell you that your damn poetry is wrong .. :rofl: ... i am silly i know) .... i don't know what it is ... maybe its nothing .. maybe i am just on crack or somethin' ;P



iamwith :slow:
:iconstarladear6:
~starladear6 Jul 22, 2004, 7:47:24 PM
yeah, the second stanza really is supposed to have a different rhythm. it's not supposed to be the same conventional beat pattern... i especially wanted the last 3 lines to be slightly halting and not fit right. I could have made them two lines total and made their rhythm match up with the rest, but the meaning changes there, so I wanted the beat to reflect that too.

It could be that it just doesn't work well like that... every person "reads" poetry's beats differently... this might be a case where this should have been read out loud for the beats to work the way I want them to... the way I "hear" them.
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July 21, 2004
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